highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
