What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
