the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
