hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
