God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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