If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
