I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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