dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
