I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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