What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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