i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
