naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
