can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
