Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
