does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
