I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
