you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Holy sore nipples Batman
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
