I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
