When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
