Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
