Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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