We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
