just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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