drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
