I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
