I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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