It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
