We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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