you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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