I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
