So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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