It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
