I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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