Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
