My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have aggressive nipples.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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