I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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