You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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