Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The power of my boobs compel you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
