your thong is hanging out like whoa
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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