She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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