Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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