I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
