The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
