I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
