you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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