i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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