I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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