I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
