and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
