My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
