I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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