when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
