dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
