i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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